Late night thoughts

 Have you ever sat down in a place & suddenly thinking of how old you will be in few years time? I stopped counting my age ever since I entered the 30s'. We've got so many plans ahead, so much things to do, it feels exciting but somehow thinking that I'll be 40 in few years time is... scary. 

Unloved.

 I learn something big, today.

"I want you to eat, but not at my table".

If i love you, i wont hate you. Regardless anything happened between us, I,ll be wishing you all the best in life. Aku adalah seorang yang kalau sayang, aku sayang sehabisnya. I would do anything, ANYTHING for my love ones. As time goes by, I feel like I am unappreciated. I feel like i'm being used by.. you. After all the things we shared together.

Kau takkan faham bagaimana rasanya menjadi second option because you have everything that i didnt. Aku hanyalah tempat untuk kau bersandar di waktu kau susah. Tapi bila kau senang, aku bukan orang yang pertama untuk kau cari. Aku yang sayang kau sepenuh hati, berubah menjadi lawan kau. I believe i am the toxic one. You dont need me in your life anymore and i have to accept that. As we grow older, I believe I have to give us some spaces for us to... reflect. But you didnt. We just separated and make our own ways. I am still hopeful for us to be back like we used to. Sometimes i kinda miss us. we shared so much things... 

However, i can never unloved you. I can never unloved a person who i once love so much.. I can live with our memories and watching you from afar. WE will never be the same ever again. Thus, I am wishing you all the best in life and hereafter. I am happy knowing you are happy with your small family, I do feel sad if anything bad happens to you, I knew the news from others -- not from you -- not directly from you like we used to shared everything before.. We once shared happiness, sadness, excitement, joys EVERYHTHING.. Yes we were.. But now, here we are.

 I am happy seeing you eat, but not at my table.

survived to 2026.

I miss you, blog. Alhamdulillah I made it to 2026. Another year of getting blessings from The Almighty. Sampai satu masa aku akan terhenti untuk menulis di blog ini, dikala rezeki ku tiada lagi tertulis untuk berada disini. Semoga Kau izinkan untuk aku lama lagi di dunia ini.

Entah kenapa, di 2026 ni, aku masih rindukan dia, diri aku pada 10 tahun yg lepas, atau sebenarnya merindukan diri yg berumur awalan 20an. Terlalu rindu. Tengah taip ni pun boleh menangis sebab rindu. Adakah aku masih belum mampu untuk jadi seorang aku yang versi lebih baik, waktu sekarang ni? Walaupun pada waktu itu aku kehilangan sosok seorang ibu, aku masih mampu berdiri dengan teguh, berjalan dengan berani, tanpa toleh ke belakang, melihat hal-hal yang tidak mungkin aku mampu ubah. 

Aku sekarang? Hanya seorang ibu yang kuat marah-marah, perempuan yang rapuh, penakut dengan jalan cerita yang aku rekakan sendiri. Takut dengan perkara yang belum terjadi. Semoga saja engkau terus sihat wahai diri. 

Somehow i forgotten how does it feels to be loved, to be the center of attention, to be cared.. I stopped talking because nobody's care. We are all stucks in the loop of routine of being adults. I guess it's true when they said 'adulting is sucks'. I am one, now. 

I hope you survived the globalization, Blogger.com. I missed MySpace but already forgot the password email n all. I really wish i can enter the sites again, to watch the teenage me growing happily. Yes, i miss you this much. 

First blog in 2025.

 

Salam blog. Dah nak hujung tahun dah baru aku sampai sini. Alhamdulillah Allah masih pinjamkan aku umur di double 3 ni. Nothing much. Life just got better? Not really. Is gotten worse? Not that too. Hanya mengikut saja arus yang diatur Tuhan. 

Singgah sini sebab I do have thoughts in my mind, it's just WHAT IF thoughts.. dalam islam tak boleh kalau-kalau ni. kan? 

Haritu rezeki Allah bagi aku collab dengan sesuatu yang aku impikan, it's about travelling while working.. or vice versa? Balik je dari Langkawi, kengkawan kepada my new social media friends ni ramai jugak yang follow aku yang hina ni. wah hina. It's always been my dreams to be like her. She's passionate about travelling, solo travel sana sini, berani, full of curiosity, make friends pegi mana-mana.. The more I get to know her, the more I see.. the old me. I miss her. So kengkawan kepada my friend ni semuanya girls travellers. Yang memang jenis solo travel with backpacks, without purpose, just curiousity. I wonder if I met them earlier waaaaay before I decided to get married (at the age of 24), I must be one of them girls, kan? Umur pun lebih kurang sebaya je, so they must be millenials gen yang suka travel starts from umur 20an just like me! So what's stopping me then?

Aku tak bercerita perihal impianku. I -- always have passion in travelling. Not many knows, not even my partner. It never stops, the feels. Kadang-kadang jadi rebel sebab, sometimes I do questions myself why did I chose to be attached...to responsibilities? My goals after graduated was to work hard, kumpul duit and go travels. THATS IT. Not in my mind to switched the plans with something...unexpected.

It's just the thoughts. A thought that cant be express by words, to others. I love seeing all the girls solo travellers, go trips, make contents, enjoy their life to the max because I saw myself in them.. my old self. Macam lagu "that should be me" lah kan? IF I wasn't married at that age, I must be one of them girls yang travel travel travel... mesti banyak negara, banyak tempat yang aku dapat pergi. However, I found out that they're all single ladies. Which most of them are same age as me, but haven't married yet.

Today, I've been blessed with 3 kids and my husband in life. Alhamdulillah. The eldest is 8 years old. Life has been a rollercoaster ride too, for the past ten years. Without the need to do solo travelling. Dapatlah butterflies adrenaline jugak but in different ways. I guess we're all blessed differently, kan? 

Deep down in my heart, I still want to pursue my dreams -- to travel around the world. Cara yang bagaimana, arah jalan yang mana -- semoga Allah tentukan yang terbaik untukku. Slow slow kumpul duit walaupun tahu isinya banyak bocor ke arah keluarga kecilku (it's the priorities business if you're a parent). Lapangkan lah rezeki kami, dari segala segi. Untuk keluarga kecilku, nantinya baru aku. 

Ke mana jua arahnya, aku ikut saja, Tuhan.

20-24.

 Salam blog. Panjang lagi tuhan pinjamkan aku nyawa. Umur dah melintas 30 rupanya. Alhamdulillah. Tiba-tiba anak dah 3. Yang aku menaip posting blog yang pertama adalah ketika aku umur masih belasan. Aneh kan? 

Hari-hari pasti ada pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang berulang. Sekejap rasa mampu sekejap rasa tidak. Tapi yang tidak itu lebih banyak. Selalu rasa aku tak layak untuk jadi seorang ibu. Apatah lagi ibu anak 3. Ingin sekali aku pulang bertanya pada ibuku, "bagaimana kamu lakukan semua ini dulu, ibu?" Tapi, tidak lagi ada tempat untuk aku "pulang". Hanya mampu berbasa-basi dalam hati, bercakap dengan diri sendiri. 

Hari ini di umur 30an aku masih lagi rapuh. Masih banyak menyerah. Masih belum jadi manusia yang tertinggi dalam fikirannya sendiri. Masih berlawan dengan kata-kata dalam kepala sendiri. Aku rindu diri sendiri yang dulu, jauh beza dengan diri aku yang sekarang. Kadang-kadang aku tengok kenapa orang lain mampu berdiri di zon yang sekarang, tak lagi pandang bayang-bayang lama. Tuhan itu suruh sabar, bukan nyerah. 

32.

 Hey. It's me again. We've made it to 2024. Life is kinda scary, I always wanted to go back to the old days. Like I don't want to meet the future but I'm scared of death too. 

Long story short, aku tak bagus dari segala segi. Bukan anak yg baik, bukan ibu yg baik, bukan isteri yg baik, bukan kawan yg baik, bukan manusia yg baik. Serba serbi tak bagus. I was told to change, I did. But what I did was never good enough. Mungkin tak cukup. Mungkin tiada. Hence why i'll never be good enough to anyone including myself. I wanted to go home, but then I realised-- I am my own home. 

..

 2023. Jauh dah berjalan, Allah yang izin. Ada banyak hal yang tak terluah. Aku selalu menangis tengah malam. Waktu semua orang tengah tidur. I don't know why. Aku selalu susah tidur. And if i did, it's not a good one. Wondered if i able to time travel, i really wanted to back to those years i've been missing for.