Unloved.

 I learn something big, today.

"I want you to eat, but not at my table".

If i love you, i wont hate you. Regardless anything happened between us, I,ll be wishing you all the best in life. Aku adalah seorang yang kalau sayang, aku sayang sehabisnya. I would do anything, ANYTHING for my love ones. As time goes by, I feel like I am unappreciated. I feel like i'm being used by.. you. After all the things we shared together.

Kau takkan faham bagaimana rasanya menjadi second option because you have everything that i didnt. Aku hanyalah tempat untuk kau bersandar di waktu kau susah. Tapi bila kau senang, aku bukan orang yang pertama untuk kau cari. Aku yang sayang kau sepenuh hati, berubah menjadi lawan kau. I believe i am the toxic one. You dont need me in your life anymore and i have to accept that. As we grow older, I believe I have to give us some spaces for us to... reflect. But you didnt. We just separated and make our own ways. I am still hopeful for us to be back like we used to. Sometimes i kinda miss us. we shared so much things... 

However, i can never unloved you. I can never unloved a person who i once love so much.. I can live with our memories and watching you from afar. WE will never be the same ever again. Thus, I am wishing you all the best in life and hereafter. I am happy knowing you are happy with your small family, I do feel sad if anything bad happens to you, I knew the news from others -- not from you -- not directly from you like we used to shared everything before.. We once shared happiness, sadness, excitement, joys EVERYHTHING.. Yes we were.. But now, here we are.

 I am happy seeing you eat, but not at my table.

survived to 2026.

I miss you, blog. Alhamdulillah I made it to 2026. Another year of getting blessings from The Almighty. Sampai satu masa aku akan terhenti untuk menulis di blog ini, dikala rezeki ku tiada lagi tertulis untuk berada disini. Semoga Kau izinkan untuk aku lama lagi di dunia ini.

Entah kenapa, di 2026 ni, aku masih rindukan dia, diri aku pada 10 tahun yg lepas, atau sebenarnya merindukan diri yg berumur awalan 20an. Terlalu rindu. Tengah taip ni pun boleh menangis sebab rindu. Adakah aku masih belum mampu untuk jadi seorang aku yang versi lebih baik, waktu sekarang ni? Walaupun pada waktu itu aku kehilangan sosok seorang ibu, aku masih mampu berdiri dengan teguh, berjalan dengan berani, tanpa toleh ke belakang, melihat hal-hal yang tidak mungkin aku mampu ubah. 

Aku sekarang? Hanya seorang ibu yang kuat marah-marah, perempuan yang rapuh, penakut dengan jalan cerita yang aku rekakan sendiri. Takut dengan perkara yang belum terjadi. Semoga saja engkau terus sihat wahai diri. 

Somehow i forgotten how does it feels to be loved, to be the center of attention, to be cared.. I stopped talking because nobody's care. We are all stucks in the loop of routine of being adults. I guess it's true when they said 'adulting is sucks'. I am one, now. 

I hope you survived the globalization, Blogger.com. I missed MySpace but already forgot the password email n all. I really wish i can enter the sites again, to watch the teenage me growing happily. Yes, i miss you this much.